Alive

So it's 6am…

No, I didn't wake up early… it's me. I stayed up all night. 

I just looked out the window from 5 until now and watched the sky slowly (yet quickly) change from night to day. It was beautiful. I saw a few cars, but not many and one or two early morning joggers. It was just so serene and tranquil. I've never felt so relaxed and alive at the same time. 

I feel like I can do anything now and succeed. I don't know why, but I do. 

I believe the correct thing to say is I'm at one with myself. 

So after all this, I've decided something.

I've decided that this year in school I'm going to be me. Not a version of me that other people want me to be, but just me.

I've always found myself changing to make others happy, but this year it's time to do things to make me happy. To do things I want to do. To live without regrets. Well… no promises about the regrets.

I have a really hard time following things through, but out of all the revelations I've had and the promises I've made to myself - I honest to god hope that I can keep this one. To be me. 

I truly want to be me because I feel like I will be a happier more comfortable and thus kinder person. 

Holiday

Okay, so I'm super excited because I am going to Hua Hin in Thailand. I'll post some travel tips etc. later, but this is just a quick little post letting you know what to expect. 

Expectations

Now, I'm not gonna apologise (again for not posting) simply because no one is reading this. But, I've decided to start blogging at least once a week because it just need to rant sometimes.

So, today, I'm gonna rant about expectations. 

Do you ever have an idea in your mind of what people's reactions will be to something you do and then it's completely different? Or even worse, they don't do anything? Has anyone else imagined what a school year or what a day would be like and it doesn't turn out like that? 

I do. All the time. 

I'm often disappointed by people because of what they do or even what they don't do. 

I've realised why I'm disappointed. My expectations were too high or even impossible. 

I face a daily dilemma. Should I have expectations or not? The argument for both sides is seemingly simple. 

There are two points: dissapointment and goals. 

If I don't continue to have expectations, disappointment is avoided. If I continue to have expectations, I will be disappointed. Or will I?

Most of the time I have expectations which are too high, but I also have low expectations. I have found myself, at times, surprised at how kind someone is or how exciting a movie is or how well I did on the test. 

This links in to the goal part of my debate with myself. Expectations give us goals. When we expect ourselves to do something or to reach something, that becomes our goal. Life without goals seems rather meaningless, doesn't it?

The biggest part of it all; is it possible? Is it possible to stop ourselves from expecting certain things? Or will we always do it, conciously or subconsciously? 

School

So we're three weeks now into the new school year and it's…different. 

Already we have had three tests and one on Tuesday. We have projects, tonnes of homework and I'm not gonna lie… it's stressful. 

It's kinda scary too because next year we have our IGCSEs and I have to memorise everything we do this year and next year. And then the next two years i do the IB and after that I'll go of to University. Okaaaay… that's scary…not gonna think about that anymore. 

To make things worse, my two best friends left to different countries. I still have one of my old best friends, but we don't have all the same classes. I also have a couple of good friends too. Its just not the same of having two best friends with you all the time. We used to be so close and they just left. And don't get me wrong, I know they are other people who are worse off and I'm not saying that people should feel bad for me. I don't want people to feel bad for me. I just need to rant. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is life could be better.

Anyway, I'll go now and try to update more. See you soon, lovelies

Hello... no one

So... I guess this isn't a very popular blog. I don't know how to make a popular anything. My twitter account isn't popular, my tumblr isn't... Hell, I'm not popular. I'm friends with 'popular' people, but I am not popular...

I don't really see the big deal in being popular. I mean being friends with 'popular' person I get to see most of her life. It doesn't seem great. There are guys in the year below and above who like her, she has a big house, she has tonnes of cool clothes and she is actually (contrary to what movies have told me) really nice, but she doesn't have many 'real' friends. 

Seeing other popular people and their friends no one seems to have any true friends. They aren't trustworthy. The moment popular person falls, they will immediately take their place. They won't stay friends with ex-popular person. They will just become new popular person. And the cycle continues.

This is all observation. I'm not insulting or blaming because I think that will all want/have wanted to be popular. If you haven't then you will. It's just human nature. I have wanted to be popular and sometimes I still want to be popular, but not many people seem to actually truly 'like' popular people.

Popular people are like for one main thing. Their popularity. They aren't generally like for their hilarity or charity. Because people like them for their popularity, the moment they aren't popular people leave them. If they like popular person for one thing and then that one thing is taken away. Well, why should they stay friends with popular person? They have no reason to. 

What makes things even more complicated is that popular person can't not be friends with their 'friends'. They need those friends to keep them popular. If they shun their 'friends' away, then their popularity will dwindle. You can't be popular and have no friends. It just doesn't work like that. 

Why don't the friends 'overthrow' the popular person? Simple, they give them power. It's like in school. Teachers only have power over us because we give them power. Same situation with world leaders. They have power because we give them power (in democratic countries we literally give them their power). 

This whole post wasn't meant to insult or belittle or be rude to anyone. It was simply observations. I just want people (or no one) to know and try to understand my views on popularity.