Alive

So it's 6am…

No, I didn't wake up early… it's me. I stayed up all night. 

I just looked out the window from 5 until now and watched the sky slowly (yet quickly) change from night to day. It was beautiful. I saw a few cars, but not many and one or two early morning joggers. It was just so serene and tranquil. I've never felt so relaxed and alive at the same time. 

I feel like I can do anything now and succeed. I don't know why, but I do. 

I believe the correct thing to say is I'm at one with myself. 

So after all this, I've decided something.

I've decided that this year in school I'm going to be me. Not a version of me that other people want me to be, but just me.

I've always found myself changing to make others happy, but this year it's time to do things to make me happy. To do things I want to do. To live without regrets. Well… no promises about the regrets.

I have a really hard time following things through, but out of all the revelations I've had and the promises I've made to myself - I honest to god hope that I can keep this one. To be me. 

I truly want to be me because I feel like I will be a happier more comfortable and thus kinder person. 

Holiday

Okay, so I'm super excited because I am going to Hua Hin in Thailand. I'll post some travel tips etc. later, but this is just a quick little post letting you know what to expect. 

Expectations

Now, I'm not gonna apologise (again for not posting) simply because no one is reading this. But, I've decided to start blogging at least once a week because it just need to rant sometimes.

So, today, I'm gonna rant about expectations. 

Do you ever have an idea in your mind of what people's reactions will be to something you do and then it's completely different? Or even worse, they don't do anything? Has anyone else imagined what a school year or what a day would be like and it doesn't turn out like that? 

I do. All the time. 

I'm often disappointed by people because of what they do or even what they don't do. 

I've realised why I'm disappointed. My expectations were too high or even impossible. 

I face a daily dilemma. Should I have expectations or not? The argument for both sides is seemingly simple. 

There are two points: dissapointment and goals. 

If I don't continue to have expectations, disappointment is avoided. If I continue to have expectations, I will be disappointed. Or will I?

Most of the time I have expectations which are too high, but I also have low expectations. I have found myself, at times, surprised at how kind someone is or how exciting a movie is or how well I did on the test. 

This links in to the goal part of my debate with myself. Expectations give us goals. When we expect ourselves to do something or to reach something, that becomes our goal. Life without goals seems rather meaningless, doesn't it?

The biggest part of it all; is it possible? Is it possible to stop ourselves from expecting certain things? Or will we always do it, conciously or subconsciously?